Adventures of Jesus

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THE ADVENTURES OF JESUS

By Walt

Copyright Sautter 2012

ACT I

NARRATOR
It’s a beautiful day in heaven, blue skies, occasional white puffy clouds, a light breeze and of course, perfect temperature and low humidity.
The weather is heavenly!
(The Archangel GABRIEL enters with wings and wearing a white robe. GOD the old man is in a white robe, with flowing a white beard is seated in His splendor on his throne.)

GOD
“Why are you always sneaking up on me like that?
Can’t you flap a wing or something to let me know you’re here?”

GABRIEL
“Sorry Sir! I just kinda thought that you knew I was here. You being all-knowing that is.”

GOD
“That’s right, I am all-knowing, but I use the all-knowing for the big stuff, like keeping the planets going in the right direction and the sun working; not to check out the little stuff, like you sneaking up on me all the time.
So what is it that you want now?”

GABRIEL
“Well Sir, there’s a lot of talk going on down there lately.

GOD
“Talk about what?
Where?”

GABRIEL
“Earth, of course Sir. They’re talking about the Second Coming. The Rapture!”

GOD
“The raptors? Don’t tell me that they’re extinct already?
I planned on having them around for at least another hundred thousand years!
What did it? That global warming thing?
Wait till I get my hands on that Al Gore!

GABRIEL
“No Sir! Rapture!
Not raptor!”

GOD
(God pauses and hesitates)
“Oh! Rapture!
“You know when you get to be my age – eternal that is- sometimes your hearing starts to go.”

GABRIEL
“Why don’t you just fix it? You could do it with a wave of your hand.”

GOD
(With a somber look)
“When you get to be my age, the hand wave doesn’t work so good either.
Anyway, tell me more about this Rapture thing.”

GABRIEL
“Well, lots of people are saying Jesus is coming back – and soon!”

GOD
“He was just there a couple thousands years ago.
What do they want?
Do they want him to move in full time?
Isn’t once in a while, like every ten thousand years or so, enough for them?
Hey, I’m like everybody else, I want some quality time with my kid too!
I don’t want him going on all these long business trips all the time.
Last time he was gone for thirty-three years!”

GABRIEL
“I’m just telling you what I hear and I think maybe we should pay attention this time before things get out of hand.
Remember that the Tower of Babel?
They were working on it for over forty years before we really took them seriously?
We don’t want to go through that stuff again, do we?”

GOD
(God pauses and thinks hard. He strokes His long, white beard and then runs His fingers back through His long white, hair as He ponders.)
“I think you’re right.
I remember, I had to go all the way down to Earth and do the many tongues to show them who was boss. It was a pain!
I had to come up with a zillion different languages and don’t think that was easy to do on the spur of the moment like that!
It was almost as bad as Sodom and Gomora. It smelled like a giant fart around here for weeks. Brimstone you know!
And parting the Red Sea! Do you know what it’s like to pull that off without special effects?”

GABRIEL
“So what’s the first thing we should do for this Second Coming problem?”

GOD
“First of all, let’s not call it the “Second Coming”. It would be like “Rocky” and then they had “Rocky II” and then “Rocky III” and on it went.
If we call this the “Second Coming” then they’ll want a “Third Coming” and the then a forth and fifth.
Get what I mean? We don’t want to encourage sequels. ”

GABRIEL
“Absolutely right as usual Sir.”
(Gabrielle thinking out loud)
“Let’s see we can’t call ‘Here We Go Again’ or how about ‘The Coming – Phase Two”, urr – no!”
(Gabrielle pauses and then speaks with a look of inspiration)
“How about Smackdown II”

GOD
“‘Smackdown’ is already copyrighted.”

GABRIEL
I got it! – ‘This Time He’s Coming to Kick Ass”

GOD
“Are you kidin’?”

GABRIEL
“What about – ‘The Cool Jew Two?’”

GOD
“No, like I said I don’t like that ‘two’ idea.
Okay!
I got it!
‘Oy Vey – The Final Day”?
It makes it clear that this is the last time and even better it rhymes.”

GABRIEL
“It’s very catchy but way too Jewy.
I think we’ve got to be more hip.
How about ‘Rap It Up’? It’s to the point and pretty slick?”
(God and Gabrielle look at each other with profound satisfaction.)

GABRIEL
“Well now, how do we get that message out? We’ve got to get some good PR out in front of this thing to make it work.
Let’s see.
Billboards might work.
How about TV talk shows? If we could get on Bill O’Reilly or Rush Limbaugh?
Are they still alive?”

GOD
“I’ll have to call Lucifer and see.”

GABRIEL
“Maybe infomercials?
Like the Flowbee, the Chia Pet or the Ginsu.”
If they can sell that stuff we can certainly sell ‘Rap It Up!'”

GOD
“I think we need something more dramatic and cataclysmic like a gigantic earthquake, a huge tidal wave, a cataclysmic meteor strike or an eighth plague like another Bush being elected President.”

GABRIEL
“I don’t like the earthquake and that stuff. It would kill off a good part of the audience. I think we ought to go with some conventional advertising and if that doesn’t work then we do the earthquake, tidal wave kind of stuff.
Or maybe you could go down there on a cloud with a thunder and lightning show. The kind of thing you did with Moses that time.”

GOD
“The on a cloud stuff again! No way!
If you think I’m going to go through all that, you’re crazy!
The staging, the special effects, the speech writing – you know how I hate public speaking – I haven’t done it in centuries!

GABRIEL
“Sure but you have a wonderful presentation. Remember ‘And then a Great Voice came from the sky and said ‘Let there be light’ with that super reverb?”

GOD
“Sure I remember but I was much younger then and when you get old the first thing to go is the voice.
(He pauses and He then continues)
Of course I could use an Ed McMahon overdub and just lip sync it.

GABRIEL
That would just make you sound like an insurance salesman for Colonial Penn.

GOD
“You know, before we do anything else I think we better tell Jesus about this.
Where is he anyway? I haven’t seen him lately.”

GABRIEL
“Don’t you remember Sir? You gave him a little vacation time after his last trip”

GOD
“Two thousand years!
A ‘little vacation time’?
Go get him and tell him I want to see him.”

NARRATOR
Gabriel, as commanded goes to find Jesus. The very first place he looks is Beach Heaven. He’s known to hang out there.
The sand is cloud white; the temperature is just perfect, with scantily clad angels -female angels of course- and the waves – the waves are a surfer’s Paradise!

GABRIEL
“Have you seen Jesus? His Father wants to see him.”

BEACH ANGEL
(With a faint giggle)
“Jesus? He was here just a little while ago. He was doing some of his surfing tricks. He did a couple of perfect laybacks and a three sixty and ..”

GABRIEL

(Gabriel interrupts)
“Sure, I know – I know! But where is he now?”

BEACH ANGEL
“He left about two hours ago. I think he said he was going over to Pebble Paradise Country Club.”

NARRATOR
Gabriel flies over to the golf course to find Jesus. The course is perfect. He finds Jesus on the eighteenth hole, a par three. Jesus is at the tee ready to tee off as Gabriel walks up.

JESUS
“Why are you sneaking up on me like that on my back swing? Now look what you made me do!”

NARRATOR
The ball flies off towards a nearby pond. Jesus quickly waves His hand and the pond instantly freezes, the ball bounces off the ice onto the green and lands in the hole. Jesus takes out his scorecard and writes down a one.

JESUS
“Let’s see. That’s a nineteen today.”

GABRIEL
“Nineteen? What happened?”

JESUS
“It was Satan again. He always seems to know when to call to ruin my game. He called my cell phone on fourteen just as I hit my shot. I didn’t have time to do my hand wave thing and I had to take a two!
And the Hell of it all he really didn’t have anything new to say just the same old stuff.
‘Would I meet him in the desert this afternoon? Would I go for a hike with him up to the cliff overlook? Would I throw myself off the cliff and save myself?’
I keep telling him – We already went through that stuff! Remember?
No! No! And no!
What does he think I’m crazy and I’m going to all of a sudden change my mind now?
Why does he keep calling me?
I think I’m going to have to change my number again.”

GABRIEL
“I don’t know. Some guys never quit! They just can’t take no for an answer.
It’s a personality flaw! He’s just got a personality flaw.”

JESUS
“So what do you want?”

GABRIEL
“Your Dad wants to see you.”

JESUS
“About what?”
(JESUS pauses for a moment and then continues.)
“I hope it’s not like the last time He called me. I listened to one of His ideas and if I remember correctly, things didn’t work out that good for me.
But if He calls I guess I have to go.”
(JESUS hands His golf club to His caddy- Archangel Micheal and He and GABRIELLE leave together to see the Father.)

GOD
(As he puts His arm around Jesus’s shoulder and hugs him tightly)
“My Son!
How have you been? Enjoying your vacation I hope.”

JESUS
“Yes Dad. I’ve been fine and I’ve had a great vacation but I have the feeling it’s about to end. Am I right?”

GOD
“Now what makes you say that my Son?”

JESUS
“Well, for one thing your halo is not quite as bright as usual as a matter of fact it’s pulsating a bit.
That generally means you’ve got something on your mind and you’re kind of nervous.”
(An angel to God’s left immediately holds up a mirror. GOD looks at his halo in the mirror.)

GOD
“Omniscient as usual Jesus.”
(God pauses and then continues)
“Here’s the story. Gabriel has told me that the multitudes on Earth are expecting you to come back, and soon.”
(God again pauses and looks straight at Jesus who says nothing.)
“We’ve decided to grant them their wish. We’ve even come up with an official title for the event -‘Rap It Up’.
“Pretty MMCst century, huh?
What do you think?”

JESUS
(With a scowl)
“What do I think? Are you kidding? Count me out! And by the way, who’s the ‘we’ that decided?”

GOD
“Well, Gabriel and I.”

GABRIEL
(He interjects quickly in a timid voice)
“Don’t look at me Jesus. I only chimed in here and there but I’m not real decider. You know that only your Father can be the real decider.”

JESUS
“Why would I want to do that again? Do you remember the last time?”

GOD
(He smiles as He speaks)
“Because you’re The Lamb of God, The Savior of Man, The King of Kings, The -”

JESUS
(Jesus interrupts)
“Oh give it up. Don’t give me all that sweet-talk again this time. I’m not going!
No way!”

GOD
(With a frown and his stern voice)
“Who’s the Dad and who’s the Son around here.
(He pauses)
Remember that day you spent in Hell after the Resurrection. How would you like a couple weeks down there to think this over?”

JESUS
(Now in a meek tone)
“But Dad, you wouldn’t do that. Remember how you’re all loving and stuff.”

GOD
“You’ve heard of tough love my boy? This is it!
Now let’s plan this out.”

JESUS
“I hope it’s a better plan than the last time.”

GOD
“First, we’ve got to find another virgin. We can’t use Mary again. If we send her down with that costume of hers they will all think she’s a Muslim!
We’ve got to come up with someone a little more hip. Somebody more with it.
Gabriel, that’s going to be your job again.”
(God snaps His fingers and Gabriel disappears.
Gabriel finds himself on Earth in his quest to find a virgin. He suddenly appears in San Francisco in the middle of the Gay Pride Parade.)

PARADE MARCHER
(Dressed in a bikini top and bottom, wearing a plumed headdress and dancing to the blaring Y.M.C.A. by the Village People in the background)
“Hey Honey, how did you do that anyway? All of a sudden, here you are!
You’re a cutie too!”
(As they continue to march together)
“And where did you get that costume? Those wings, they look swell!
What are you suppose to be – Cupid or something?
But let me tell you Honey you gotta fix that robe thing.
You gotta get more skin showing if you’re going get a guy here and where’s your the bow and arrow?”

GABRIEL
“I’m here to find a virgin.”

PARADE MARCHER
“Aren’t we all?
But I don’t think it going to happen around here if you know what I mean.”

GABRIEL
“No you don’t understand. I was sent here by God to find a virgin.”

PARADE MARCHER
“Hey Honey, that’s a beautiful line but I really don’t think it’s to going work. You gotta be more creative.
That one has been used by more preachers and priests than you can shake a dick – I mean stick – at!”

GABRIEL
(Gabriel stops and shouts as the Marcher turns away and continues to dance down the street with the parade leaving Gabriel standing alone as the parade line passes)
“No, God really sent me. I really mean it!”

PARADE MARCHER
(The Marcher shouts back)
“Sure you do. Sure you do.”

NARRATOR
What’s an angel to do? It looks like the job of finding a virgin is going to be a lot harder this time around.

GABRIEL
(Muttering to himself)
“I can see already that this is not going to work. Let me call the Boss.”
(Gabriel then encounters a second marcher)
“Is there a pay phone around here?”

MARCHER NUMBER 2
“Sure sweetie. Down the street and to the right.”
(Gabriel makes his way to the phone to find it with the hand piece cut off. A parade watcher interrupts him as he is staring at the useless pay phone)

PARADE WATCHER
(In an affected voice)
“Need to make a call? It’s not going to happen on that. How about I let you use my cell?”

GABRIEL
“God bless you.”
(Gabriel dials the number G-O-D-1-A-N-D-O-N-L-Y-1)

VOICE ON THE OTHER END
“Thank you for calling GOD-1-AND-ONLY-1.
Please listen to the following since our menu has changed.
For the Father press 1, for Jesus, press 2 for the Holy Ghost press 3, for Saint Peter press…”
(Gabrielle presses 1)

VOICE ON THE OTHER END
“Please be advised that all calls are recorded for training purposes only.”
(A busy signal comes from the phone. Gabriel pushes the operator button)

OPERATOR
“That line is very busy. Let’s see today is the Mega Ball Lottery drawing. There are always lots of prayers coming in on that day. Would you like to leave a voice message?”

GABRIEL
(In a disgusted tone)
“Okay!
God – this is Gabriel.

GOD
(God cuts in the voice mail and answers in a loud voice)
“I know! I know who it is.
You’ve got to remember – I know everything! I know everyone who calls – always!”
(In a whisper)
“And besides I’ve got caller ID.”

GABRIEL
“Things aren’t working out that good. You gotta beam me back up. I’m here in San Fran.
Exactly where I’m not sure but you can find me on the GPS.”
(Gabriel hangs up the phone and hands it back to the owner)

PARADE WATCHER
“So are you new in town?”
(Before he can answer Gabriel suddenly vanishes in front of the startled Parade Watcher)

ACT II

Back in God’s Palace
(Gabriel appears tired and frustrated)

GABRIEL
“Like I told you on the phone – this virgin thing -”
(Gabriel is interrupted by Jesus)

JESUS
“You know, maybe we shouldn’t go the same route as before anyway. The last time I was born on Christmas and then I had to kind of just hang around for thirty years until I could start to get things going.
A lot of wasted time and very boring!
I say this time we hit the ground running!”

GOD
“I think maybe you’re right. This time we’ll send you down full-grown.
Now, let’s see, last time you started at thirty. Today, from what I hear, sixty is the new fifty and fifty is the new forty and so on.
So, I guess we’ll make you- oh – thirty-five to be on the safe side. What do you think?”

JESUS
“Well, that sounds pretty good but I’ve seen some of the thirty- five year olds and a lot of them aren’t too pretty. The obesity epidemic and all.
I’ll go for the thirty-five deal but you gotta send me down in good shape and I want a gym membership included!
And just in case sign me up for Nutrisystem too!”

GOD
“I suppose you’ll want ‘Life Lift’ too?”

JESUS
“If it comes with the package? Then, sure, why not!”

GOD
“Okay, then it’s settled. Get your stuff together and we’ll send you down tomorrow.”

JESUS
“What stuff?
You don’t expect me to wear that old robe and sandals that I had before – do you?
As a matter of fact, I think I left all that stuff behind after the Ascension. I haven’t looked at that painting of me ascending in a long time but I seem to remember that I wasn’t wearing the robe and sandal set then. All I had was a loincloth. Not too hip!
I definitely need new threads. I gotta fit in so I can talk to my peeps.
How about a MasterCard?”

GOD
“Threads? Peeps? What’s going on here?”

JESUS
“I’ve got to practice my lingo so I can fit in with the homies right from the get go.
The old ‘thees and thys stuff’ are definitely really old school now.”

GOD
“Okay. Okay. Be here tomorrow morning at six”

JESUS
“Come on Dad! I haven’t been up at six in centuries.
Just because you have to be up early to make sure the sun rises doesn’t mean that I have to. How about ten?”

GOD
(Muttering to himself)
“Alright! What parents won’t do for their kids these days!”

GOD
(The next morning at ten o’clock in God’s Palace)
“Well, are you two ready?”

JESUS
“You two?”

GOD
“You and Gabe. I was going to send Clarence with you but he doesn’t need the work. He’s doing fine. Every Christmas they run ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ about fifty times and his residuals just keep piling up. ”

JESUS
“What! Are you sending him along to keep an eye on me?”

GOD
“Urr – Well, kinda”

JESUS
“Maybe you should have thought of that last time!
All right! Let’s go.”
(Jesus motions to Gabriel and God waves his hand and they both disappear)

GABRIEL
(They both appear on Earth)
“Where the Heaven are we?”

JESUS
“I’m not really sure. With all this new technology anything can happen. You just can’t trust electronics.
The last time I sent my halo in to be fixed they sent it back and then the charger didn’t work.
(With a sigh)
Then I had to resend it. It was still on warranty but the postage was killing me.
Well, I think the first thing we have to do is get a bunch of homies together – you know – disciples.
But this time fishermen are out!
Did you ever hang around with those guys on a hot summer day?”

GABRIEL
“No, not really.”

JESUS
“The smell is awful!
And to make it worse they’re always talking about how big this fish was and that fish was and how they almost caught Jaws.
It’s hard to deal with that day after day after day. Frankly, it gets boring real fast!”
(Gabriel bends down and picks up a discarded newspaper from the street)

GABRIEL
“Hey! Look here.
‘Unemployment Rate Reaches 9 Percent’ – we should be able to round up some apostles in no time at all.”

JESUS
“Let me see that.”
(He reads the article at light speed – of course)
“Let’s get down to the Unemployment Office pronto. There are probably a zillion guys there looking for work.”

GABRIEL
“How many do you think we’ll need?”

JESUS
“Last time we had twelve. I’m not counting that bastard Judas of course.
(Jesus pauses and thinks)
Let me see – the biggest crowd we ever had was about five thousand and that was with a free meal.
That was the ‘Sermon on the Mount’ gig.
These days five thousand is nothing. A Doo Wop Concert or a good Elvis impersonator could draw that now.
And besides, I don’t think I want to do those dinner theater crowds any more.
When they’re that close and they don’t like the act they can get pretty mean.
I’m thinking more like those self-help guys like a Deepak Chopra or Doctor Phil, a giant seminar type thing.
You know New Age stuff with Yanni music as a lead in.
I think we need more front men to get the word out and really advertise.
Let’s find that office”
(Jesus walks up to a car stopped at the light and taps on the window – the driver cracks the window slightly)

JESUS
“Excuse me.”

DRIVER
“No handouts pal.
Get a haircut and a shave and a job.
You bums make me sick!”
(He rolls up the window and speeds off as the light changes)

JESUS
“Well, so much for the meek inheriting the Earth. I guess that’s one beatitude I’ll have to work on.”

GABRIEL
“Hey. Wait a minute. I think I see a sign down the street by that line of people.
‘Department of Labor and Workforce Development’ – that must be it.”
(They walk down the street and approach several men at the end of the line)

GABRIEL
“Hi fellows. My name’s Gabriel and this is the Messiah.
We’ve just come to Earth – this is our second time here – and we’re looking to hire some disciples. Are any of you guys interested?”
(There is no response and Gabriel continues)

GABRIEL
“Well, what do you say?”

FIRST MAN IN LINE
“No habla Engles”

JESUS
“Oh, he speaks Spanish. I’ll speak to him in Spanish.”

GABRIEL
“I didn’t know you spoke Spanish.”

JESUS
“Of course! I can speak any language – well except Ebonics always gave me a little trouble.”
(In Spanish)
“Listen Hombres, here’s what he said – his name is Gabriel – like the Angel Gabriel and I’m the Messiah.
What’s your name?”

FIRST MAN IN LINE
“Jesus.”

JESUS
“No. No. My name is Jesus.”

JESUS

(In English to GABRIEL)
“I guess my Spanish needs some work. Let me try this again.”

JESUS
(In Spanish)
“My name is Jesus. What is your name?”

FIRST MAN IN LINE
“Jesus.”

JESUS
(In English to GABRIEL)
“I’m getting nowhere with this guy. I’ll just call him ‘primer hombre en la línea’.
Hmm – That’s a bit long.
Okay – I’ll just call him ‘Primer Hombre’ then.”

JESUS
(In Spanish)
“Okay, Hombre Primer how would you and your amigos like a job with Gabe and myself.
You’ll be kind of our Hispanic community organizer. Get the Latino crowd together. Promote our events. Hand out flyers. Make sure the sound system is working right. Hand out free tacos at the show. Help clean up after.
You know – kind of like our roadie.
No landscaping. I promise!”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“What’s the hourly?”

JESUS
“What were you making at your last job? Now, tell me the truth.
Remember, I’m the Messiah. I’ll know if you’re lying.
And even worse I’ll mark it down as a mortal sin!”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“Salario mínimo – and no time and half for overtime and no bennies.
That was under the table – no taxman.”

JESUS
“I can beat that! How about eight denarius an hour?”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“Eight what?”

GABRIEL
“Master – they don’t use denarius any more!”

JESUS
(In an annoyed tone)
“I knew that! I knew that!
I was just doing some arithmetic out loud.
That’s about seven fifty.”

JESUS
(To Hombre Primer)”Seven fifty an hour. That’s the best I can do.”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“What about medical?”

JESUS
“Medical? You don’t need medical.
Got a problem – I’ll just cure you right on the spot. I’ll even give you dental and optical.
If you don’t believe me get the Bible and check me out. It’s all there. I’ve done blindness, leprosy – even death.
All that without one day in med school!”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“Sounds good – of course we’ll need a demonstration healing before we sign up.”

HOMBRE PRIMER
(Turns to the man next to him)
“What do you think Jesus?”

JESUS

(He interrupts)
“I just told you, I’m Jesus!”
(Then Jesus realizes that the second man is named Jesus too)
“Alright! Here we go again! You’ll be el Hombre Número Dos or how about just HOMBRE DOS.
Now find me a leper and I’ll show you.”

HOMBRE DOS
“Why does he want a leopard?”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“No estupidez! He wants someone with leprosy!”

HOMBRE DOS
“We aint got no stinkin’ lepers around here!”

JESUS
“Alright – Hombre Dos – come over here.”
(Hombre Dos walks over to Jesus)
“Let me see your hand. Now watch this.”
(Jesus points to a wart on the man’s hand. He waves his hand slowly over the wart. The wart remains)
“Gab! Come over here and give me a some help with this. I’m a little out of practice.”
(Gabriel walks over and they both wave their hands over the wart. The wart disappears and the Hombres stare in amazement)

JESUS
“Pretty good huh boys? Okay that will be five dollars.”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“Five dollars? Why five dollars?”

JESUS
“Didn’t I tell you?
The plan comes with a five-dollar copay. Five dollars for regular medical miracles and twenty five for emergency miracles.”
(Hombre Dos begrudgingly hands Jesus five dollars and Jesus gives it to Gabriel)

HOMBRE PRIMER
“What about the tax deal? Under the table or what?”

JESUS
“Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and unto me what is mine.”

GABRIEL
(Gab interrupts)
“It’s Uncle Sam now. That Caesar stuff was centuries ago.”

JESUS
“Okay! Give unto Uncle Solomon..”

GABRIEL
“No! Sam!”

JESUS
“I mean give to Uncle Sam what is Uncle Sam’s and to me what is mine.”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“What does that mean?”

JESUS
“You gotta pay taxes, man! Can’t beat ’em except by lying or dying.”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“Okay. We’ll be here tomorrow at nine.”
(Jesus and Gabriel leave the Hombres and walk down the street)

GABRIEL
“Well Boss, that’s a good start. We’ve got the Hispanics covered.
Now tomorrow we have to sign up some white guys and some African Americans.
Then it’s on to the Asians and the Native Americans and I think we’ll have them all covered. You know what I mean – the EOE thing.”

JESUS
“EOE?”

GABRIEL
“Equal Opportunity Employment!”

GABRIEL
“Oh! Wait a minute. I forgot the gays. We’ll need some of them too!”

JESUS
“Gays?”

GABRIEL
“You know. They used to call them the Abominations. That’s kind out now with all the PC stuff. Now it’s Gays.”

JESUS
“Okay! I get it.
Now I think we need to find a place to stay tonight.
And I’m not staying in any stable this time!
My mother told me all about it.
She said it was terrible. She said you couldn’t take a step without getting something on your sandals.
And the smell – the smell she said was worse than the disciples.”

GABRIEL
“Hey. I see a ‘Vacancy’ sign up ahead.”
(Jesus and Gabriel enter the hotel and walk up to the front desk)

JESUS
“We’d like a room for the night.”

HOTEL CLERK
“Yes sir. Let me take your information and we’ll check you in. Your name please?”

JESUS
“Jesus Christ.”

HOTEL CLERK
“Very good sir. And I guess your friend is the Angel Gabriel.”

JESUS
“How did you know?”

HOTEL CLERK
“Okay, I can take a joke with the rest of them but now I need your name.”

JESUS
“Jesus Christ.”

HOTEL CLERK
“I’m going have to insist that you stop joking and give me your name or I’m going have to ask you to leave.”

JESUS
(In a stern voice)
“My name is Jesus Christ.”

HOTEL CLERK
“Alright! Get out of here before I call the cops.”
(Jesus and Gabriel leave quietly)

GABRIEL
“I think you’re going to have to change your name Boss or we’ll never get a room.”

JESUS
“Well when they ask me my name I can’t tell a lie. You don’t expect the Messiah to lie, do you?”

GABRIEL
“Urr – of course not. Never!
How about we call you Isus Hristos. Issy for short.”

JESUS
“Isus Hristos? What kind of name is that?”

GABRIEL
That’s Romanian for Jesus Christ. Then when you tell people your name you won’t be lying and we’ll get a room for the night.”

JESUS
“Isus Hristo.
Issy, okay.
Isus sounds kind of Japanese and Issy sounds kind of Jewy.
Isus will probably help with the Asians but Issy, would be good with Jews.
Let me see.
(He ponders out loud)
Should I go with the Asians or the Jews?
Asians or Jews? Asians or Jews?
(He pauses)
It was a big mistake last time but I think I’ll go with the Jews again.
Okay, from now on – Issy it is.”
(Jesus and Gabriel get a room using Jesus’ new name – Isus Hristo)

ACT III

(The next morning they meet the Hombres as scheduled; they walk down the street and by a city park)

GABRIEL
(Pointing to a group of three guys playing basketball)
“Hey Jesus – I mean Issy – Here’s our chance to pick up some black guys.”

JESUS
(Jesus calls through the chain link fence)
“Hey! Any of you guys want a job?”

BLACK GUY NUMBER ONE
“What’s you want, Man?”

JESUS
“I said – Any of you guys want a job?”

BLACK GUY NUMBER ONE
“Not unless it’s with the NBA!”
(They continue to play)

JESUS
“NBA? With you playin’ like that! You gotta be foolin'”
(They stop playing and walk over to the fence)

BLACK GUY NUMBER TWO
“You know who you’re talkin’ to? This is Hebe Pretty here.”
(As he motions towards the guy next to him)
“You know what that means? It means ‘He be pretty damn good’. That’s what it means!
Now if you boys wanta see – then get your white and Latino asses out here and we’ll show you.”

GABRIEL
“I think they are challenging us to some basketball Boss.”

JESUS
“Okay boys. Let’s go.”
(Jesus walks towards the open gate and waves all of them to come with him)

HOMBRE PRIMER
“But we don’t know anything about basketball.”

JESUS
“Don’t worry! Just feed me!”
(Three of them enter the court – Jesus, Gabriel and Hombres Primer – the others watch – and the game begins
Jesus gets the ball from the opposite end of the court and immediately shoots the ball full court into the basket at the far end.”

BLACK GUY NUMBER ONE
“We got a lucky white boy on our hands here.”
(BLACK GUY NUMBER ONE takes the ball out and on the first dribble the ball bounces into Jesus’ hands – Jesus runs to the basket, jumps four feet into the air, hangs in mid air above the rim for a half second and dunks the ball.
All the Black Guys stare in amazement. The game goes on and Jesus continues with one astonishing play after another.)

BLACK GUY NUMBER ONE
(Out of breath and sweating profusely)
“How’d you learn to play like that?”

JESUS
“A God given talent!
If you three join us I am sure I can help you with your game.
It will probably take a miracle but I think I can get you ready for the NBA after all.”
(The three look at each other a bit bewildered, raise their eyebrows and follow Jesus down the street)

GABRIEL
(Whispering)
Hey, Boss we’re doing great. One day and we’ve got the Latinos and Afros.
Beautiful!
Let’s see. We still need the Asians and Native Americans.
Oh yeah, and the gays too!
And, lastly of course, we’ll need a few token whities.”

NARRATOR
They walk passed the local college courtyard. It’s a beautiful spring day and several students are there studying. On a nearby bench, three Asian students are pondering some physics problems. Jesus quietly approaches the bench and looks over the shoulder of one of them.

JESUS
“Thermo? Tough stuff!”

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
(Replies with disinterest and continuing to work on the problem)
“Sure is.”

JESUS
“Maybe I can help.”

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“Help how?”

JESUS
“Let me see the problem.”
(Jesus takes the book, looks at the problem and hands it back to Asian Number One)
“The answer is negative forty hundred and eighty joules and the next one, problem fifty-two is seven hundred and twenty Kelvin!”

ASIAN NUMBER TWO
(In an incredulous tone)
“Let me check the answers in the back.”
(He turns to the answer key and peruses the list)
“Negative four eighty and seven twenty.
He’s right!”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“It’s got to be a trick. Give him another one.”
(Asian Number One opens the book at random)

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“Here. What’s the answer to number twenty?”
(He points to the problem)

JESUS
“Ah! Harmonic motion. Number twenty.
It’s four pi square meters per second”
(Asian number two again looks for the answer)

ASIAN NUMBER TWO
“Right again!”

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“How did you do that?”

JESUS
“I am the Light; the person who sees by me will view all things.”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
(Looking at the other two)
“What does that mean?”

JESUS
“Follow me and I’ll show you how!”
(All eleven continue down the street led my Jesus and Gabriel)

GABRIEL
“Boss – Do you think it’s a good idea to keep calling these guys by names like Hombre Primer, Black Guy Number One, and Asian Guy Number Two. I don’t think it really makes them feel at home, if you know what I mean.”

JESUS
“You know Gab; I think you’re absolutely right! I’ll give them all nice friendly, common names like I did with the Apostles the last time.”

GABRIEL
“What do you mean – ‘Like last time’?”

JESUS
“You didn’t really think that a bunch of Jewish guys from Israel had names like John and Mark and Peter did you?
Peter’s real name was Hamish and John was Moshe’. I changed them all.
Could you imagine, ‘The Gospel According to Moshe’? How would that work?”

GABRIEL
“I see what you mean. But how come you kept your Hispanic name – Jesus?”

JESUS
“I didn’t at first. I originally called myself Shlomo. And then the teasing started.
‘Slow Mo Shlomo’, ‘Shlomo the Schlemiel’,’Go low Shlomo’ and so I changed my name from Shlomo to Jesus.
Jesus Christ has a much better ring to it, than Shlomo Christ anyway!”

GABRIEL
“‘Jesus’ doesn’t exactly fit in with the others either. It’s not like Tom, I mean Thomas or Jim, I mean James.”

JESUS
“That’s true and I was starting to get teased about that name too! Jumpin’ Jesus, Jesus H. Christ and that kind of stuff.
They were really getting on my nerves. So I finally put my foot down. I couldn’t keep changing my name so I told them ‘Make fun of my name one more time and I’m calling it blasphemy and this time it’s a mortal sin!’
That ended it. No more teasing and Jesus has been my name ever since.”

GABRIEL
(In amazement)
“Wow, the things I never knew!”
(Jesus halts him parade of followers)

JESUS
“Alright – Black Guy Number One. What’s your real name?”

HEBE
“‘Hebe'”

JESUS
“No – your real name.”

HEBE
“Bbwaddene”

JESUS
“Do you know what that means?”

HEBE
“The Great One. That’s what my mother told me.”

JESUS
(Jesus makes a buzzer sound)
“Wrong.
It means a large dog!
I think we’ll stick with Hebe.
(Jesus turns to BLACK GUY NUMBER TWO)
And what about you?
They call you Notso and by the way what does Notso mean?”

BLACK GUY NUMBER TWO
“Well, when they started calling Hebe, Hebe because he be pretty damn good at hoops then they started calling me Notso cause I’m not so good at hoops.”

JESUS
“I see. What’s your real name?”

BLACK GUY NUMBER TWO
“Isoke – my mother said it means ‘Airy One – like a bird’ in Zulu”

JESUS
Not so Notso!
It means ‘Hairy One’ in Swahili.
I think we’ll keep calling you Notso.”
(Jesus turns to the third Black Guy)

JESUS
“And your name?”

THIRD BLACK GUY
“Tafadzwa – my mamma said it means ‘We are pissed at Whitey.”

JESUS
“No! No! It means ‘We are pleased” ‘in African Shona.”

THIRD BLACK GUY
“Well maybe, but she was really pissed. I was her of tenth kid.”

JESUS
“Okay – Tafadzwa – How about Tafa for short?
How about you guys.”
(He motions to the Asians)

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“They call me the General.”

JESUS
“Okay, General. What’s your real name?”

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“Tso Chic.”

JESUS
“Oh, Like General Tso’s Chicken?”
“And you?”
(He points to the other two)

ASIAN NUMBER TWO
“My name is Wai Lee. They call me The Bruce.”

JESUS
“Like Bruce Lee?”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“No. Like Bruce Springstein. I’m a big fan.”

JESUS
(He pointed to the last Asian)
“How about you?”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“They call me Charlie.”

JESUS
“Ah – Charlie Chan.”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“No. Like Charlie Wong. That’s my name.”
(They continue to walk – Suddenly Hombre Primer runs up to Jesus)

HOMBRE PRIMER
“Boss! Boss! I just remembered. The boys and I gotta leave early today.”

JESUS
“Gotta leave early? Why?”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“We gotta get ready to go the Hombre Dos’s sister’s wedding. It’s tonight.”

JESUS
“You guys have only been on the job one day and you’re taking off early already?
(Jesus pauses to think)
Well, I guess its okay – but I’ve got to dock you.”

HOMBRE DOS
“How about if you come too?”

JESUS
“All of us! Well, maybe then I could overlook that docking.
Okay! We’ll go.”

HOMBRE DOS
(That night – Jesus and the disciples enter the reception hall)
“Welcome. Let me introduce you to my sister and her new husband.
Sis, this is my new boss Issy and his foreman Gab. He’s the guy I’ve been telling you about.”

HOMBRE DOS
(Hombre Primer calls Jesus aside for a moment)
“Listen Boss, did you notice my sister’s upper lip?”

JESUS
“No. What do you mean?”

HOMBRE DOS
“The hair. It’s very hairy!
I told her about my wart and that maybe you could help her out with the mostacho.”

JESUS
“Well, it is her wedding day. Okay!”
(Jesus walks over to Hombre Dos’s sister and runs his finger over her upper lip and the hair disappears)

GABRIEL
“That will be ten dollars please!”

HOMBRE DOS
“Ten dollars? How come the wart was only five?”

GABRIEL
“Out of network!”
(The husband hands Gabrielle a ten-dollar bill and the party continues)

(Suddenly from the crowd)
“No más cerveza!”

GABRIEL
“What did he say?”

JESUS
“He said ‘No more beer!’
The beer ran out and it looks like the crowd is starting to get rowdy.
I feel like I’ve been here before. You know like deja vu and I think I know exactly what to do.”
(Jesus calls over the waiter)
“Bring me ten large pitchers of water.”
(The waiter rushes into the kitchen. He and an assistant return with the pitchers and place them on the tables)

JESUS
(Muttering to himself)
“Now let’s see if I can remember how this goes.”
(He closes his eyes, waves his hands right over left. The crowd is silent
Jesus opens his eyes and the water is unchanged)

JESUS
(To himself again in a low voice)
“Oh, now, I remember – wine to water is right over left. Water to beer is left over right.”

NARRATOR
Jesus closes his eyes again, and this time waves his hands left over right.
Loud applause rises from the crowd; Jesus opens his eyes and in each pitcher the water has been transformed into beer and the party continues)
Suddenly, the doors of the kitchen spring open and the owner of the hall rushes toward Jesus waving a sheet of paper.

HALL OWNER
“Do you see this? This is the contract for the hall rental. What does it say right there?
(He points angrily)
‘No outside alcohol!’
Now either you get rid of that beer or I’ll kick you all out!”
(Jesus looks at the contract closely)

JESUS
“The man’s right. That’s what it says.”
(Jesus closes his eyes, waves his hands in the opposite direction and the beer turns back into water and the crowd begins to boo)

GABRIEL
“What are we going to do now?”

JESUS
“No problemo.”
(He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the credit card his Father had given him.
He stands before the group both arms raised, with the credit card in hand)
“Peace I say unto you.
Look at the birds of the air, they neither toil nor reap yet their Father feeds them.
Look at the lilies of the field, they neither sow nor spin yet their Father clothes them.
Are you less than they in His eyes?”
(A voice from the crowd yells)
“What the hell does all that mean?”

JESUS
“What it means, my son is – ‘Open bar’ – on me!”
(Jesus hands the credit card to the owner and the crowd cheers jubilantly. The next morning Jesus and Gabriel awake and are getting ready for the day ahead)

JESUS
“Hurray up. I want to get down to Bob’s Sporting Goods Store.”

GABRIEL
“Sporting Goods Store for what?”

JESUS
“Well, last night was pretty embarrassing. When I turned the water into beer at the wedding my first try didn’t work.
All because I forgot one little thing.”

GABRIEL
“What’s that got to do with Sporting Goods?”

JESUS
“Well, last night, after we got back and you fell asleep I stayed up and I was watching a football game.”

GABRIEL
“So?”

JESUS
“I noticed that every time they went back to the huddle, the quarterback looked at his wrist. Then the announcer said that he had the play list written there on a wristband.
I’m going to get one of those wristbands and put all the miracles on it.
No more embarrassing screw ups for me!”

GABRIEL
“Wow! What a great idea.
Now I see why they say that you possess all the wisdom of the universe, Boss”

NARRATOR
Several days pass and Jesus and his followers are walking the streets continuing to search for new disciples – it is late in the afternoon.

JESUS
“I don’t know about you but I’m famished.”

GABRIEL
“We haven’t eaten since this morning and that bagel at the hotel sure wasn’t like the ones they used to make at Mordecai’s Deli in Nazareth back in the day.”

VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
(As they pass an alleyway a voice is heard from the shadows)
“Psst! Jesus! Over here.”

GABRIEL
“Who’s that?”

JESUS
“I’m not sure but the voice sure sounds familiar.”
(Jesus walks over to the alleyway)

JESUS
“It’s you again. Don’t you ever give up?”

VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
“I heard you say you were hungry.
If you are really the Son of God then prove it! Tell these scrap of paper on the ground in this alley to become Burger King Coupons.”

JESUS
“It is written: ‘Man does not live by Whoppers alone.”

VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
(Jesus is then taken to the top of the tallest building in the city)
If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down for it is written:
“He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'”

JESUS
“Without a bungee cord! What? Are you nuts?”

VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS
(Jesus is then taken a scenic overlook. He and the Voice walk over to the binoculars and the Voice puts in a quarter)
“Here look through these. All this I will give you, if you will bow down and worship me.”

JESUS
“What kind of fool do you think I am? This is the old ‘I have a bridge to sell you’ trick.
Away from me, Satan!”

GABRIEL
(Jesus reappears back alongside of Gabriel)
“Who was that?”

JESUS
“Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Old Scratch, The Antichrist, Evil one, The Ruler of Demons, The Tempter, The Beast, you know, same old guy.”

GABRIEL
“You know, we’re having some trouble rounding up a white contingent.”

JESUS
“And what about women? We need women too. And native Americans?”

GABRIEL
“I know. We’re working on it. And we also need some of the handicapped.”

JESUS
“No. We can’t do that because everybody will say ‘Why don’t you heal them?’ and I’d look pretty bad if I didn’t. Then if they’re healed we’d be back to having no handicaps.
It would be a vicious circle, so I hate to do it but I have to cut them out.
No disabled disciples!”
(They continue to walk and approach a group of women standing in front of a bar smoking cigarettes)

GABRIEL
“Hello girls.”

GIRLS
“Who you calln’ girls, Shortie?”
(Gabriel turns to Jesus)

GABRIEL
“Am I really that short?”

JESUS
“Don’t worry about that now. I’ll fix that later.”

GABRIEL
(He turns back to the girls)
“No. We’re just trying to get some women to work for us.”

GIRLS
“What are you? Some kind of pimp or somethin’?
We’re just out here to have a smoke not to get hustled.”

GABRIEL
“You don’t understand. He’s Jesus Christ and..”

GIRLS
“No! You don’t understand. I’m the Virgin Mary, here’s Mary Magdolin and that’s Joan of Arc over there.
Now if you guys don’t get out of here, I’m goin’ to call Pontius Pilate over there and get your asses arrested.”
(She points to a cop across the street and Jesus and Gabriel move on)

GABRIEL
“That didn’t work out too good. I wonder why they were so mean?”

JESUS
“I think I spied a few demons back there. I probably should have done a little casting out like I did with the kid in Tyre that time. That might have helped to make them a bit nicer.”

GABRIEL
“Yeah, I remember that. You really turned the kid around.
No more tantrums, no more whining, no more pestering, no more back talk. You even got him to cut back on smoking weed.”

GABRIEL
(Gabriel is silent for a while)
“By the way Boss, when are we going to deal with my ‘short’ problem?”

JESUS
“Are you pestering me already? I told you later.”
(They continue to walk – Gabriel is again silent)

GABRIEL
“When later?”

JESUS
“Oh man you don’t quit!
I don’t want to do this on the street right here. I can’t concentrate with all this noise.
I need a nice quiet place.
Alright let’s go over to the Dunkn’ Donuts”
(They walk into the coffee shop)

JESUS
“Okay – we’ll do it in the bathroom.”
(They both enter the men’s room and Jesus checks the miracle list on the wristband)
“Alright, you’ve got to get down on your knees for this one. This is a pretty tough miracle.”
(Gabriel gets down on his knees in front of Jesus. Suddenly the door swings open and the manager appears)

MANAGER
“I thought I heard you guys talking about doing it in the men’s room and I was right.
You better get out of here right now or I’ll have you arrested for public lewdness.
And don’t come back!”
(Gabriel and Jesus leave the coffee shop)

JESUS
“See that? I told you later and you couldn’t wait.
You know patience is a virtue.
You know what I’m tempted to do? Make pestering a sin!
And it will be all your fault.
Every kid in the world will be piling up sins day after day after day. It will be all on you!
Do you want that on your conscience?”

GABRIEL
(Gabrielle replies meekly)
“No Boss.”

JESUS
“Alright then, keep quiet and don’t bother me again.
And by the way, don’t mention any of this to the others. It’s very embarrassing.”

NARRATOR
They join the other on the sidewalk as they walk they pass a group of white guys standing on the corner all dressed in wifebeaters (athletic tee shirts) with bulging biceps and tattoos.

GABRIEL
“Hey Boss. Maybe we can recruit these guys. I see one of them has a cross on his arm and the other has your picture on his shoulder.”

JESUS
“I think you’re right. Let’s talk to them.
Hey Dumb Ass. We’d like to talk to you guys for a minute.”

WHITE GUY ONE
“Who are you callin’ me ‘Dumb Ass’? What are you some kinda smart guy lookin’ for a beatin’.”

GABRIEL
“What is the matter wit you? Why are you calling this guy ‘Dumb Ass’?”

JESUS
“That’s what that Chinese tattoo on his arm says.
Translated it means ‘Call me Dumb Ass’ so I called him ‘Dumb Ass’.”
(The white guys take a threatening step toward Jesus and Jesus raises his hand pointing to the tattoo on WHITE GUY ONE’S arm)

JESUS
“No. It says right there on your arm ‘Call me ‘Dumb Ass’ in Chinese.”

WHITE GUY ONE
“No it doesn’t, it says ‘Man of Steel’. The guy who put it on told me that.”

JESUS
(Jesus points to the tattoo)
“See that second symbol? He spelled it wrong. See that little loop on the end there?
That should loop up not down. Loop up means ‘Man of Steel’; loop down means ‘Call me Dumb Ass’.”
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
(Jesus calls over the Asian guys and points to the tattoo. Jesus gestures to ASIAN GUY TWO)
“Loop down means ‘Call me Dumb Ass'”

ASIAN NUMBER TWO
(Jesus gestures to ASIAN GUY THREE)
“It says ‘Call me Dumb Ass’!”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“Yup! It says ‘Call me Dumb Ass’ alright.”

JESUS
“There you go. Four to one. It says ‘Call me Dumb Ass’.”

WHITE GUY ONE
“What am I gonna do now?
I got the ‘Dumb Ass’ tattoo thing down both arms and on my ass.”

JESUS
“I think I can help. Come over here and roll up your sleeve.”
(Jesus rubs his hand over the tattoo and it disappears)
“Now the other arm.”
(Again Jesus runs his hand over the other arm and the tattoo disappears)
“Okay now pull the back of your pants down.”
(Again Jesus runs his hand over the tattoo and it disappears – At that minute the coffee shop manager happens to walk by)

MANAGER
“Didn’t I just kick you out of my shop for that stuff? Here you are doing the same thing again. I guess you gays just can’t control yourselves.
‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind’
Remember Sodom and Gomora!
That’s from the Bible, just in case you haven’t read it.”

JESUS
“That was before I was born.”

MANAGER
“I hate wise guy fags.”
(He walks away shaking his head)

GABRIEL
“What was he talking about Sodom and Gomora?”

JESUS
“You remember. Lot, the pillar of salt all that stuff.”

GABRIEL
“Oh, yes. Now I remember. That was when your Father always was in a really crabby mood.
He was smoting people right and left. He even played nasty tricks on some of his best people like Job and Abraham. He always wanted to check to see if they really loved him.
Insecurity I guess.
Then, I remember some of the archangels got together and suggested that he go into therapy and take some anger management classes. It really helped.
After about the fifth or sixth session he got a lot nicer.”
(The group continues to walk)

GABRIEL
“What about the Indians, Boss?
We’ve got the Latinos, the Asians, the Blacks, and the Whites. We still need Indians and gays!”
(White guy ‘Dumb Ass’ overhears the conversation)

DUMB ASS
“There’s this Indian guy that lives next to me. He from Mumbai but I don’t think you’d want him.
He hardly speaks English and he’s already got a job. He’s a telephone tech support for Dell Computers.”

JESUS
“No. We mean Native Americans.”

DUMB ASS
“Oh! You mean real Indians. Well, my bud over there is part Indian I means Native American.”
(He points to the another white guy in the group)

GABRIEL
“What do you mean, ‘Part Indian’?”

DUMB ASS
“Well, his grandfather was Chief Thunder Thud on the Howdy Doody Show in the fifties.”

GABRIEL
“Kawabonga! That means he’s – let’ see – a quarter Native American. Is that okay Boss?”

JESUS
“I think so. But wait. What tribe was that?”

DUMB ASS
(Dumb Ass yells to the other white guy)
“What tribe was your grandfather in? Was it the Tinka Tonka or the Sigafoose?”

OTHER WHITE GUY
“Princess Summerfall Winterspring was a Tinka Tonka and Buffalo Bob’s grandfather was a Sigafoose. My grand pop was an Ooragnak.”

JESUS
“Okay. He’ll do. Check off the Native Americas.
Oh, by the way what’s your Native American name?”

WHITE GUY TWO
“Third Thud.”

DUMB ASS
“Listen. Didn’t you say you need gays too?”

GABRIEL
“Sure we do.”

DUMB ASS
“Would a trany count?”

GABRIEL
“What do you think, Boss?”

JESUS
“Well, we went for a quarter Native American. I guess a transsexual could fill in for a gay.
What’s his name?”

DUMB ASS
(Dumb Ass points to the third white guy in the group)
“They call him is Ustahaveone.”

GABRIEL
“Like ‘Use to have a…’?”

DUMB ASS
(He interrupts)
“Right on, Shortie.”

ACT IV

GABRIEL
“Hey, Boss. We got all our guys now. Isn’t it time to start spreading the Word?”

JESUS
“I think so.
I saw on the map in the hotel that there’s a nice big park down this street.
Let’s go look it over.”
(They continue to walk to the park)

GABRIEL
“Wow! This looks great. It’s big enough for a good crowd and there’s a mount right over there.”
(He points to a small knoll)
“But – No olive trees.
Wait a minute – you know they make some great looking artificial trees today.
We can buy some fake olive trees and just put them around. Staging, ya know.”

HOMBRE PRIMER
“Listen, Amigos.
You’ve gotta have some entertainment or you’re not going to get anybody to come. You need a band, food and maybe some girls too.”

EL HOMBRE NÚMERO DOS
“Si!”

GABRIEL
“You know, I think they’re right. Times have changed. Everybody wants show biz.”

JESUS
“I think I can cover the food part. How about loaves and fishes?”

HEBE PRETTY
“Loaves and fishes?
You mean like fish sandwiches?”

NOTSO
“Fish sandwiches!
Are you nuts?
Look what happened to Arthur Treacher’s!
Nobody wants fish sandwiches.
We gotta have Popeye’s or KFC!”

HOMBRE DOS
“I’m votin’ for Taco Bell!”

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“My uncle owns ‘Ding Ho Palace’. I can get shrimp rolls wholesale.”

NOTSO
“Hey my brother’s a rapper. He can do the warm-up show.”

GABRIEL
“What kind of rapping does he do? Pimps and whores stuff is not to going work.”

NOTSO
“No – I’ll talk to him.
If we give him some time he can probably do some rap hymns like ‘Onward Christian Homies’ or ‘O Silent Night – Wait a Minute- Now I’m Hearin’ Gun Shots’.”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“Hey – My Uncle has a band.”

GABRIEL
“What does he play?”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“He plays the bonang.”

GABRIEL
“What’s that?”

ASIAN NUMBER THREE
“It is one of the lead instruments in Javanese Gamelan music. The Bonang is composed of a double-row of horizontally mounted tuned bronze kettle gongs and is usually played with two padded tabuhs.
All of the kettles have a central boss but around it the lower-pitched ones have a flattened head, while the higher ones have an arched one….”

GABRIEL
“Never mind. We’ll go with Notso’s brother.”

ASIAN NUMBER ONE
“Hey, how about we have a raffle too?”

GABRIEL
“Great idea. We could sell potato chips and whoever gets the bag with a chip that looks like your mother wins. What do you think Boss?”

JESUS
“Sure! But what are we going to raffle off?”

GABRIEL
“How about everlasting life?”

JESUS
“No can do – that’s Dad’s department.”

GABRIEL
“How about a gift basket of miracles for the whole family?”

JESUS
“That’s an idea.”

GABRIEL
“How about a full year of late night television movies with no infomercials?”

JESUS
“I like the basket I idea better.”

GABRIEL
“Okay, but let’s have a grand prize too.
How about a plenary indulgence for the first prize and the second prize will be two partial indulgences, one for you and one for a friend.”

JESUS
“Sounds good.”

NOTSO
“What’s an indulgence?”

GABRIEL
“It’s like a get out of purgatory free card.”

NOTSO
“My brother-in-law was in Attica for armed robbery. That was in New York.
What state is purgatory in?”

GABRIEL
“Never mind!”

COP
(As they stand at the entrance to the park planning the event a cop walks up to them)
“What are you guys doing? Loitering I suppose?”

GABRIEL
“No. We’re going to have a rally here.”

COP
“A rally! Do you have a permit?
As a matter of fact – let me see – how many people are here now?”
(He pauses and looks the group over)

JESUS
“Fourteen.”

COP
“You might need a permit right now. I have to look this up. Hold on a minute.”
(He takes a small book from his back pocket and thumbs through it)
“Oh yeah. Here it is right here. Section 4-12:5. ‘Crowds of ten or more require a park permit. Usage of facilities without a permit is subject to a fine of fifty dollars’.
Looks like I gotta write you a ticket.”

GABRIEL
“A ticket for what?”

COP
“Just like I said. Using the park without a permit.
Here! You can pay this down at city hall when you get your permit for your rally.”
(The cop writes out the ticket hands it to Jesus and walks away and the group walks to city hall)

JESUS
“We would like to get a permit to use the park for a rally.”

WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
“Wait here.”
(She leaves the counter and is gone for thirty minutes – she reappears with several sheets of paper in hand and a large coffee stain down the front of her blouse)
“Look Honey, ya made me rush and look what happened.”
(She points to the stain)
“Here, fill these out and bring ’em back and don’t be comin’ back around ten. It’s my break.”

JESUS
“Look at all these questions.
Father’s name, mother’s maiden name, last employment, and down here at the bottom, a two hundred and fifty word essay on ‘Why We Must Keep Our Parks Clean’.”

GABRIEL
“Let’s see – your name – ‘Isus Hristos’ – no put down Izzy Hristos – Isus sounds a little too Muslim.
Father’s name – Joe Christ – no let’s put in Joe Hristo.
And mother’s maiden name? What was your mother’s maiden name?”

JESUS
“She was always a maiden. Haven’t you read the Bible?”

GABRIEL
“That’s right! Okay then, put down Mary Hristo.”

WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
(They fill out the forms and return the next day – at nine o’clock)
“Mr. Hristo. I see here that you will be having entertainment at your event. Is that true?”

JESUS
“Yes”

WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
(She disappears and returns in several minutes)
“You’ll have to fill out one of these.”
(She hands him several more sheets of paper)

JESUS
“What’s this?”

WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
“It’s an application for an entertainment license.
Oh, and what’s this I see here? You’re going to use artificial plants in your event. You’ll need a landscaping license application.
And food and beverages will be served. That requires a food handler’s license.
What kind of beverages will be served, Mr. Hristo?”

JESUS
“Wine.”

WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
“Will children be attending?”
(Jesus looks quizzically at Gabriel)

GABRIEL
“Remember ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me’?
I think so!”

WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
“Okay, then you won’t need an alcohol license. If kids are present, no booze! You can’t serve wine.
Let me give you a little hint though.
Give ’em Jolt or Red Bull. That stuff really gets them into the show.”

WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
(She disappears again and returns with a fist full of forms)
“Here you go. Fill these out and bring them back tomorrow and we’ll set you right up in a flash.”

MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
(Jesus and Gabriel leave the building and are met by a man with slicked back hair, wearing a high rolled collar and smoking a cigar.)
“Hey – you guys – come here. I heard you’re gonna have a rally down at the park next week, right?”

GABRIEL
“Yes.”

MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
“And you’re gonna have food. What kinda food?”

JESUS
“We’re not sure yet.”

MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
“Well, I’m comin’ with some of my friends and we like hot dogs and we only like the dogs from the Mr. Weenie trucks. If we get any other kind we all get very upset and when we get upset we upset everybody else, if you know what I mean.

GABRIEL
(He turns to Jesus)
“I think they call this extortion, Boss.”

JESUS
“That’s a sin and we can’t participate in sinful activities.”

MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
“Sin huh! When we show up at your rally you’ll see a real sin!”

JESUS
“What are the names of your friends?”

MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
“Three Finger Sal, Petey the Wire and Pinochle Mike. Why ya gonna give ’em free tickets?”
(He laughs)
(Jesus looks down at his wristband and waves his hands over the man’s eyes)

MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
“I’m blind! I can’t see!”
(His cell phone rings and he fumbles to find it)

THREE FINGER SAL
“Joey! Joey! I’m blind! So is Sally and Mikey!

GABRIEL
“Boss – whatever happened to ‘whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other’?”

JESUS
“An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth!”

GABRIEL
“Whatever happened to ‘Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself’?”

JESUS
“Vengeance be mine sayeth the Lord!”

GABRIEL
“Whatever happened to ‘If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink’?”

JESUS
“Whatever happened to you shutting up?
(Jesus waves his hands again and they regain their sight)
GABRIEL
“Okay! Okay!”

NARRATOR

The day of the rally finally arrives. Notso’s brother puts on a tremendous rap concert featuring songs like ‘Do You Smell What I Smell – I Think It’s Weed’ and ‘God Rest Ye Merry Hooker Asses’.
Jesus is in the middle of his rousing sermon when a voice comes from the throng.

VOICE FROM THRONG
“Hey – There’s no more hot dogs!”
(Jesus looks over to Gabriel)

JESUS
“Gabriel. Come over here.”
(Gabriel obliges and Jesus extends his hand)

JESUS
“Here – pull my finger.”
(Gabriel again obliges and a long string of hot dogs issue from Jesus’ sleeve)

NARRATOR
The sermon concludes and it’s the time for healing. The people line up before Jesus. The line is over two hundred people long

GABRIEL
“Boss, how are we going to do this? We’ll be here all night.”

JESUS
“You’re right. Get me the bullhorn.”
(Jesus addresses the crowd)
“Okay, all diseased persons. I need your attention.
Those with dementia, please get someone to pay attention for you.
All those with diseases A through I, like acne through ingrown hairs, line up on the left.
All those with diseases J through P like Kuru through the Plague, line up in the middle.
The rest of you with anything like Scabies or Warts, you line up on the right.
And remember, no cutting in line. If you cut in and say it was because you have Alzheimer’s and you really didn’t know you were cutting, I’m still not going to accept that and you will not be cured. I repeat – You will not be cured and no second chances!
Also, please be advised that some receivers of miracle healing have experienced upset stomach, diarrhea, gas, loose stools and religious image hallucinations in everyday food products and passing clouds. Do not drive or operate machinery immediately after your miracle has been performed.”

NARRATOR
Jesus faces the crowd on the left, glances at his wristband, closes his eyes waves his hands several times and a roar goes up from the group on the right and crutches fly through the air.

JESUS
“Hebe and Dumb Ass.
Carry those people over in line one that were hit by those flying crutches to line three where the concussions are to be cured.
Gabriel, give me that bullhorn back.”
(Jesus addresses the crowd)
“There will be no more crutch throwing after you are cured. Anyone caught throwing crutches will be recrippled.”

NARRATOR
Jesus faces the center line, glances at his wristband and closes his eyes, waves his hands and the crowd roars.
Jesus now faces the crowd on the right, glances at his wristband, waves his hands, leans backward, rotates his body three times, pulls his head to the right and then to the left, bends over and touches his toes three times and the crowd roars.

GABRIEL
“Boss, why was that last miracle so hard?”

JESUS
“What do you ‘mean hard?’”

GABRIEL
“Well, you had to do all that bending and twisting and toe touching?”

JESUS
“Oh that!
I was just feeling a little stiff and I was getting the kinks out.”

JESUS
(The crowd begins to leave and Jesus grabs the bullhorn)
“Attention! All those who have been healed – please remember to turn in your Handicap Parking Tags at the gate. Someone be will there to collect them before you leave and if you want to put a little in the tip jar that would be appreciated too.
Also, please go to www.Miracles-R-Us.com to get your very own DVD of your healing to share with friends and family. Only $19.95 plus postage and handling.”

VOICE
(As the crowd leaves a voice calls)
“Hey, what about me over here. I didn’t get healed.”

JESUS
“Are you sure my son?”

VOICE
“Look. Do I look like I’m cured?”
(The man lifts up his bare foot and Jesus looks intently but sees nothing)

VOICE
“It’s Onychomycosis.”
(Jesus frantically searches his wristband under O but finds nothing. The Voice again calls impatiently)
“Onychomycosis! Onychomycosis!”

JESUS
“I’m sorry my son. I just can’t seem to locate your affliction in our records.”

VOICE
“That’s just great! You cured everybody else from acrocephalosyndactylia to Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome but not me!
This whole thing smells of bigotry.”

NARRATOR
Jesus and his disciples walk home from the rally elated at their success.

ACT V
NARRATOR
The next morning Jesus is awakened by Gabrielle standing at the foot of his bed holding up a newspaper and pointing to the headlines.

GABRIEL
“Boss! Boss! Looks at this. It says ‘Local Healer Accused of Discrimination and Bigotry’.”

JESUS
“Turn on the TV.”

TV NEWSCASTER
“Here we are at Four For You talking with Mr. Jason Jorick. Mr. Jorick tell us what happened last evening at Community Park.”

JORICK
“Well, I went to the rally at the park and at the end everybody lined up to be healed so I got in the J through P line because I have Onychomycosis. Then everybody got healed, I mean crutches were flying, wheelchairs were over turned and those big googly eyeglasses were all over the ground.
But me, not me. I was still standing suffering with my Onychomycosis. I think it was pure discrimination against people with Onychomycosis. There’s no doubt.
We Onychomycosisists aren’t going to take it any more. We’re going to fight back.”

TV NEWSCASTER
“Yes, Mr. Jorick, being a member of the black, bisexual, midget, six-fingered, transgender community myself, I thoroughly understand discrimination.
And by the way, I too am a Onychomycosisist.”

JESUS
“Hey Gabriel, look out the window. What’s that noise?”
(Gabriel looks out the window)

GABRIEL
“There’s a whole bunch of people out there with signs.”

JESUS
“Can you read them?”

GABRIEL
“One of them says ‘Healer Sucks’.
Oh here’s another. It says ‘Cure All? – Not if you’re a Onychomyc'”

JESUS
“If you’re a what?”

GABRIEL
“I think it meant to say ‘Onychomycosisist’ but it wouldn’t fit on the sign.”
(Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. Jesus opens the door. There stand three cops)

COP AT DOOR
“Are you Issy Hristo? Are you the bigoted healer who was at the rally last night?”

JESUS
“Well, uh.”

COP AT DOOR
“I have a warrant for your arrest Mr. Hristo. You’ll have to come with me.”

GABRIEL
“On what charges?”

COP AT DOOR
“Stay out of this Shortie.”

GABRIEL
“See that! You promised you were going make me taller and you never did!
Yeah that’s Him. Take him away.”

COP AT DOOR
“The charge is inflicting injury on a minority. A hate crime.”

JESUS
“I didn’t inflict an injury on any minority.”

COP AT DOOR
“How many people do you know that have Onychomycosis?”

JESUS
“None.”

COP AT DOOR
“There you go! He’s a minority. Did you cure Mr. Jorick last night?”

JESUS
“Well, no.”

COP AT DOOR
“Did you cure everybody else?”

JESUS
“Well, yes.”

COP AT DOOR
“Then, how do you think Mr. Jorick felt?”

JESUS
“Not to good, I guess.”

COP AT DOOR
“Then you severely injured his feelings and additionally you left him writhing in pain with his Onychomycosis while everyone else went on their merry way completely cured.
From Mr. Jorick’s standpoint, you weren’t exactly the Good Samaritan.”

JESUS
“I guess you’re right.”

COP AT DOOR
“Okay, you just confessed. Let’s go.”
(Jesus is taken to jail)

CONVICT ONE

(At the Jail)
“Hey Bro, what’s the rap? Me, myself I’m in for murder.”

CONVICT TWO
“Yeah, what’s your sheet? Mine’s rape.”

CONVICT THREE
“I got armed robbery of a nun goin’ for me.”

JESUS
“I’ve been charged with a hate crime against an Onychomycosisist”

CONVICT ONE
“Holy shit! I won’t wanta be in your shoes.”

CONVICT TWO
“Me neither.”

CONVICT THREE
“It don’t look good for you Bro.”

CONVICT ONE
“I’d say you be lookin’ at, at least ten maybe fifteen.”

CONVICT TWO
“I’m bettin’ I’m seein’ the street before you.”

JESUS
“But you guys are charged with murder, rape and armed robbery.”

CONVICT TWO
“Yeah- but Judge Pylot ain’t no murder and he ain’t no raper and he never held nobody up.”

JESUS
(Jesus mutters to himself at first)
“Boy that name sounds familiar but I just can’t place it.”
(Then He speaks out loud)
“So?”

CONVICT THREE
“But he is an Onychomycosisist.”

JUDGE PYLOT
(Jesus’ day in court arrives)
“Order in the court! Bailiff – please escort all the protesters from the courtroom.
I understand the emotion being an Onychomycosisist myself but we must have order before we convict this defendant.”

PROSECUTOR
(Jesus sits quietly trying to place Judge Pylot’s name and face. The trial starts and the prosecutor begins)
“This man stands before you accused of a most heinous crime. He, with malice and intent condemned Mr. Jorick to a life of suffering without regard.
While curing hundreds of others around him, Mr. Jorick was left to a life despair and shame.
This, I say is the height of bigotry and discrimination.”

JUDGE PYLOT
“Okay, Mr. Cochran, how does the defendant plead?”

MR. COCHRAN
(Jesus’s attorney)
“Not guilty Your Honor.”

JUDGE PYLOT
“Not guilty on what basis?”

MR. COCHRAN
“Your Honor, this man is not guilty of bigotry, not guilty of discrimination, not guilty of hate crimes – he’s guilty of misunderstanding.
He was healing Mr. Jorick of Distal Subungual Onychomycosis when reality Mr. Jorick suffers from Proximal Subungual Onychomycosis.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please remove your shoes and socks and put your feet on the railing.
Your Honor, let me use this juror’s left big toe as defense exhibit one.
Now let me call Dr. AjatashatruAnshumanAshwatthamaAnus to the stand.”

MR. COCHRAN
(The Doctor takes the stand)
“Now Dr. AjatashatruAnshumanAshwatthama, did I get that right?”

THE DOCTOR
“No. It’s AjatashatruAnshumanAshwatthamaAnus. You left out the “anus”.

MR. CHILDS
“Okay, then Doctor A – Is it true that you are a world renown Onychomycosis specialist who has studied over a million feet, maybe a billion, in your native India?
And let me add just a little factoid for the jury to consider. I’ve done a little arithmetic on the back of this napkin here. That number of feet could stretch from here to the moon and back over fifty times. That’s a lotta feet!”

THE DOCTOR
“Very truly I am the world’s greatest Onychomycosisist doctor in my country.”

MR. COCHRAN
“Now, from your seat in the witness chair can you tell if this toe is Distal Subungual Onychomycosis or Proximal Subungual Onychomycosis?”

THE DOCTOR
“I’m not sure.”

MR. COCHRAN
(Cochran points to the toe of the next juror)
“Exhibit two your Honor. How about this one?”

THE DOCTOR
“I’m not sure.”

MR. COCHRAN
(Cochran continues down the line pointing to each toe in succession and getting the same answer from Dr. A)
“Ladies and gentlemen let it be shown that even Dr. AjatashatruAnshumanAshwatthamaAnus, a world-renowned specialist in Onychomycosis could not determine the specific type of toenail fungus on any of the jurors.
Let me ask you then, what do you expect out of a carpenter?
Also, let the record reflect my client’s disappointment that the juror has been stacked with Onychomycosisists.”
(The trial concludes)

JUDGE PYLOT
(The jury returns)
“Have you reached a verdict?”

JUROR FOREMAN
“Yes, we have Your Honor. We the jury find the defendant guilty.”
(The courtroom erupts in cheers)

JUDGE PYLOT
“Defendant please rise. The jury having found you guilty of a hate crime.”

JUROR FOREMAN
(The juror foreman rises)
“No your Honor, we also find him guilty of practicing medicine without a license.”

JUDGE PYLOT
“The jury finding you guilty of a hate crime and practicing medicine without a license, I hereby on behalf of the AMA sentence you to one year in the Happy Feet Nail Salon where you will provide free pedicures for all Onychomycosisistic sufferers.”
(The judge slams the gavel)

JESUS
“Forgive them Father for they no not what they do.”
“Beam me up Dad!”
(Jesus disappears)

END

* For more background go to Mathew, Mark, Luke or John.